As he looked around the candy ales, he rubbed his back. God that fucking hurt. Feeling his phone vibrate, he pulled it out and typed back;
Nah, rather buy them here. You get a better pick and are pretty cheep.
Grabbing some grain waves (his fave) and then some others, and then a nice big tub of pringles. Soon enough, he picked up a packet of butter scotch, sours straps and other various mouth-watering treats.
As he read the silver-head’s reply, the raven simply sighed and purchased the beverages as he tucked them into his small satchel bag he was carrying. The raven hobbled out of the store as he popped the cap off of a small coke, drinking it as he went into the shops to go find Riku.
As he spotted his companion, he eyed his choice of confectionary before giving him a nod in agreement. “You picked good I must say~”
⇢☪ It felt like a eternity. I couldn’t tell if my hand was still hitting the ground, or if I still screamed. I was drowned on a deep, frozen sea, pulling me down, unable to breathe, unable to swim my way out. A contamined water filled my lungs. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t think.
But, you heard my call.
Softly, two arms pulled me off from the bottom of despair, embracing me tightly. I can’t open my eyes, but I know that its you. Of course, nobody can compare themselves with your overwhelming warm and sweetness. I don’t hear anything, except my slight sobbing, and the scratching sound that made your handkerchief as it rubbed on my face, wiping out my tears, my fears. What is the look on your face, now? Is this pity, or you really… Forgive me? No, if you didn’t forgive me already, you wouldn’t be wrapping your arms around me. I find myself clinging at your back, leaning in your touch. Craving for more. Ah, I can smell your perfume… So mainly, so addictive. All the drama on my head reached to an end, my chest going up and down slowly.
A hand stroked my hair, an arm around my waist pulled me close. Ah, can we stay like this for a little longer? Your fingers leave my shivering body, just to place your coat on my shoulders. I’m pulled closer and closer, and I can feel your tender lips kiss my forehead, which moments ago couldn’t leave the ground. I’m given the will to look to you once more.
My honey orbs examine carefully your factions. Bangs of raven hair mess your beautiful cheeks. My hand reaches for your full lips, shaking, and travels slowly by your smooth skin, taking care of the rebel strands of hair, pulling them behind your ear, moving into your startled face one more time, and cupping it. Why is that you always save me? I hardly curl a goofy grin, daring to lock my stare in your amber specs. What a relief, to see them dry. My thumb caressed your eyelid, making me sure that they didn’t cried because of me. I wanted to whisper ‘I’m sorry’. I died to say ‘thank you’. I needed to call your name. But three words were stronger, three words would make me realize I don’t need anything else to be happy.
「I love you. 」
Because you are my world, and I would be nothing if you weren’t there for me. I slip my hands through your neck, wrapping you in my arms. Our closed lips touch slightly, tenderly. The sweetest kiss we ever had. And its because its real. Because it has more meaning than any other before. And because it was filled of love, without need to spread our mouths, without the need of any words.
And because I never felt so complete while simply kissing someone. But, because it was you, I couldn’t stop the final drop that rolled down my face.
As I saw the quick change of my girlfriend’s mood, I immediately became more relaxed. Those three words I was dying to hear, those three words that my ears ached to receive were finally spoken. Suddenly, I felt as if a huge weight lifted off of my chest, I could feel it in the way Hikari was reacting that she had forgiven me, that she was no longer mad, upset-.. but she was finally at peace.
There was no words needed to express the feelings being mixed between us two, Hikari was completely at peace but her breathing was quite sharp. She was slowly calming herself down as she started to realise what was said, what was done and how I truly felt about all of this. Hikari-.. believe me when I say this but.. you can blow up at me whenever you feel like it, you can rant, whinge, scream, groan and moan about life and I will be the one to listen to your words. I love your voice-.. I love hearing it.. oh how I envy it..
As I watched her honey orbs delicately shimmer as they looked up into mine, I knew instantly that this moment was one we both wanted to last. Her breathing had slowed into a normal pace and a small smile was threatening to curl upon her lips. Just like the big idiot I am, I couldn’t help but blush just a teeny bit, my lips curling into a widespread grin.
God dammnit! I swear Hikari you’re the only one who can have this much of an impact on me!
As I felt soft fingertips trace the outside of my lips.. I knew what was wanted and without any hesitation, my hand raised her head upwards as I lowered my down, my lips partially open as I placed a sweet but loving kiss on her lips. In that moment I swear my stomach did a backflip, wait—.. it did millions of backflips! My fingers were lightly trembling as my goofy grin just became wider and wider.
⇢☪ Were that… words? Shocked, time freeze on its track and leaved rotten, almost inaudible words into the air. My rant hurt him at the extent of… Forcing himself to talk. The worst part of it… He was saying it was his fault. Why, to hear him talk under any other cimcurtances would had made her euforic, locking the sound of his mouth on her memory, probably tease him, but as if a magic spell was said, my body shaked in fear. In self-hatred. The flow of a brand new river of feelings made me realize everything. I couldn’t stand up. I couldn’t talk anymore, less sing, my lung unable to stand even the hiccups. The tears were leading my pitch black eyeliner on my mouth, bitter, artificial, toxic… As dangerously toxic as this moment. I wanted to reach for that almost crying raven in front of me, kiss him, tell him that all this was a lie, that it was a bad nightmare, and nothing could change the fact I really loved him. I wanted to clasp my hands on his warm, forgiving touch. He was fragile, and I knew that. But, I said everything I feared of, consumed by the anger. He hates me, for sure…
It’s not your fault, it’s mine, totally mine. Don’t you dare cry.
I wanted to whisper all my thoughts in your ears. That sensitive ears that always heard me, that twitched at the subtle breath near them, that standed my tears everytime they showed up. That ears that, surely, were wishing they couln’t hear all the swearing I throwed at them.
Is… Is this what he feels when he tries to talk, but words just don’t come out…? Did he tried that hard to say he was sorry to force himself that way…? The guilty thoughts embraced my heart, killing me slowly. Why don’t you take me into your arms…? Do you hate me that much, now…? How I wished I was the mute one, now. You would have make a better use of this voice than me. You wouldn’t never pout an insult. Not like me. You would never hurt anyone. Not like me. My frown deepens, aching. Who will kiss that kind, sweet lips of yours every morning? Who will caress your silky hair when you awake? Who will teach you how to deal with other people? Who will be teased by your confident touch? I don’t think I can be that person, not after all the damage I’ve done to you… Is this the powers of words? I suddenly felt like a million love songs attacked me, blamed me, judged me. Stop. Stop it now, damn it.
The exact instant amber orbs met mine, I couldn’t resist the urge to scream. There’s no way back, is it…?A loud and plain sound leaved my throat, filling the air, stabbing my chest with each second going by. Gross sobbing. No matter how hard I tried, my hands couldn’t wipe out the water of my eyes. My fingers turned grey, then black, probably because of the rests of make-up all over my face. I’m crying like a baby, am I… Getting louder and louder, I give up on everything. If he hates me because of this… What is my reason to live…!? Such a foolish reason… I’m such a stupid woman…! No, I’m not even a lady, but a mere child, disguised of an adult, crying hopelessly. I can feel the ice cold wind of the night on my factions, on my bare shoulders, on my legs, on my now glued to the pavement forehead. I could start to feel the pain on my fingers due to the contaminated tears getting into my skin. That’s right, I grabbed him as hard as I could, and broke two nails.
It burns, Vani.
Help me… Vani…!
I tried to yell his name one last time, but I couldn’t make any other sound that the wordless scream that ripped my heart. My hands were fists aiming at the ground, hitting it endlessly, earning wounds on the side which faced the hit. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell my boyfriend that I was more happy by his side, than hoping he would watch me on TV. I wanted to tell him, even if it sounded fake for him, that I still loved him…
Can you hear me, silly boy?
My throat was throbbing still from the sudden force of energy, never in my life have I forced myself to yell, talk or mutter such words. Never in my life did I want to speak, I was very content with just being alone with my books, being alone with my girlfriend and my thoughts. Each and every passing day I was getting better, I could feel the words bounce of my tongue and form into something great. Most days I wouldn’t be able to feel that but with Hikari, she puts the words in my mouth and all I have to do was actually say it a loud. Though, at times I fail-.. she’s still proud of me and.. do you think she’d be proud of me right now? I mean-.. I just said my first ever sentence..
Wiping away these dreaded tears that threatened to fall once more, I knelt down beside the clearly distressed woman before wrapping my arms tightly around her body. No beautiful woman deserves to cry so much, ruin her self-image just because some shit heads don’t know how good she is. My girlfriend is the best singer you will ever meet. If no one can appreciate the fact that there was a simple error then screw them!
As I held the sobbing angel in my arms, I grabbed hold of my handkerchief and began to wipe her face softly with the white cloth. My now neatly cleaned handkerchief was smeared with colours of black, grey, red, purple-.. her makeup was coming off and it was ruining her beautiful face that I always had adored. As I continued to wipe her face, clean her up and dry her cheeks of tears. I noticed that she had stopped crying but in fact she was lightly whimpering, her arms wrapped around my body tightly as her head just leant against me, asking for my forgiveness.
Mesmerised by her natural beauty, I raked my hand through her brunette strands carefully. Feeling the silky, smooth hair run along my fingertips as I slowly comforted her. My arm wrapped around her waist as I pulled her close to my body, she was in clear need of just some love, support and comfort-.. and however how long it will take-.. I was willing to give it to her. I noticed a small shiver running through her body and almost immediately, I grabbed hold of my coat and placed it around her shoulders. The last thing I would want is for her to catch a cold-.. because of me..
Simply sitting down on the ground in a proper manner, I pulled the girl onto my lap and kissed her forehead lovingly. All I wanted was for her to stop crying, to stop screaming and to stop blaming herself.. it was my fault and I’m ready to take responsibility over my actions.
⇢☪ The look on his eyes was heartbreaking. But rage was controlling me, blind, restless.
「I bet you’re trying to figure out with that small mind of yours ‘what I did wrong’, right…? Did you already forgot the most important recording of my life..!? Did you even notice the mails that were sent to me!? The file had an error!! They couldn’t EVEN OPEN IT! How could they judge my abilities without the fucking recording!? Oh, they couldn’t! But I was too tired and confident of OUR work that I slept past all the holy day! And they dropped on me! They stepped on my dream!」
My grasp tightened. I felt another nail breaking under the pressure. I could almost dig them on my hand, white fabric denying them. As if possible, the hatred on my tone changed, an even more painful whine sliding between my teeth— 「Was it too difficult to record a single song in less than two weeks…?!」—And, along the water overflowing on my face, an equally strong anger filled the next sentences. 「No, it wasn’t! Normally you don’t spend more than one, two, three days on something that simple! I ended slacking off most of the time!! Dinner, beach, parks, launch, if we just stayed home and focused on the fucking work we would’ve got it done before! But no! Rushing at the day before the due, I ended sending a RANDOM FILE FORMAT!! Guess who has the fault, guess it, dammit!! You, of course!」
Letting go his hold bluntly, my knees gave up to gravity. Covering my eyes with both hands, I fell into the cold ground, messing up my dress, messing up my make-up. Messing up my life. Guilty, the mixed feelings encouraged me to continue screaming, rambling.
「For starters, why did I ever stepped into your house…!? I knew I wouldn’t get it done at your side! But I wanted to be with you in this! I wanted to share my success with YOU! Tell me, Vani, why it had to come out like this!? I, I do my best at singing…」Hiccup. 「I, I really do…」Hic. 「Am I that bad at this? Am I worth this job, this dress I’m wearing, this people that respect me…? Why, why did this happen…!? I won’t have another chance like this EVER! There’s no way the big fishes lock their eye on such an amateour, unpuctual mess of artist like myself…!」
Nobody answered. Not a single word. Of course, he was mute, he couldn’t talk. But there were moments when only words could make it up for the damage. Why is he accepting all this shouting? Why am I acting this way? Why, if I love him…? But, nobody answered that questions.
「Say something…」I whisper. 「Take me back…!」I raise the volume.「Why won’t you talk to me? Why aren’t you yelling at me!? It’s not just your fault, isn’t it! AREN’T YOU HURT, TOO!? VANI, PLEASE…!」
I look up slightly, trying to read your eyes, my heart ripped off, my throat damaged.
Then I realized.
Oh God, what have I done…?
Listening to each and every word that Hikari had to say felt like needles stabbing into me, each one penetrating deeper and deeper as her voice grew angrier and more hurt. I couldn’t stand to listen to what was being said and I was eventually convinced, it was my fault my girlfriend’s dreams were ruined, it was all my fault. If I just looked at her e-mails, even just take a tiny peek at who was ending-.. I could’ve prevented this and my girlfriend could be singing up there with those famous superstars but-.. because of my stupidness.. she isn’t going to have a chance.
My shirt started to become tighter and tighter around my neck, I was soon struggling to breathe and maintain eye contact with the one I love. The look on her face was those of a crushed dreamer, it was almost as if in that moment.. I could read what was going inside of her head. She was broken, devastated and clearly furious with me-.. me, her boyfriend, her best fucking friend, her lover..
I couldn’t contain these feelings inside of me, these words were sharp daggers penetrating through my self-esteem, my self-confidence and eventually it just shattered. What was left of my mentality was shattered, crushed, burnt, ripped up on the floor. It was my fault, I’m an awful boyfriend-.. no-.. I’m the most awful boyfriend to have ever existed..
With teary amber-orbs, I watched my girlfriend weakly fall to the ground. Her feelings overtaking her as they made her weaker by the second, she was clearly giving in and she was just about done with me. Her make-up, her hair, her dress ruined by the seemingly endless flow of tears that streamed down her cheeks. Her makeup running down her face while her hair stuck to the tears-.. it was awful.
My hands were too shaky to speak to her, I couldn’t sign fluently to her and I couldn’t tell her that she shouldn’t give up and that no matter what she says, I’m still here for her! I’m her shoulder to cry on and I’m her foundation to her life, I’m the one who can make up for this and I’m the one responsible and-.. she shouldn’t ruin her beautiful face with those ugly tears of hers.
I want-.. I have to.. I—..
“I-..t’s.. m..m-..y.. f-faul..t..” My words were barely audible, my throat throbbed at the pain of trying to force them out. I wasn’t used to the vibrations that helped formed the words, they felt-.. disgusting.. my voice was choked, my lips were dry and I probably fucked up the only sentence to have ever come out of my mouth.. (So far)
Giving up almost immediately after that, I lowered my head and prepared myself to be dumped by my girlfriend. I could just feel it, she was going to say, “Vanitas! YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE A-AND I’M DUMPING YOU!” or perhaps something more blunt, more cold, and perhaps angrier..
‘I’m so sorry Hikari, I’m so.. so.. sorry..’
⇢☪ A subtle smile was glued to my lips all time. I spent most of my days on my boyfriend’s house, trying to learn to communicate with my hands, laughing, filtring, and most of my nights on the club, singing my heart out, earning money to eat, talking with people, and more than that, with my raven. I thought life was perfect, that I could die peacefully and won’t have any regrets. These days like a dream… My everyday life seemed like a fairytale. Vanitas never had a fight with me, and he supported me both psicologically and monetary, though I usually rejected the least. Every second was magic, as if we were on the clouds.
These days, turned upside down when a certain man showed up on my workhours. It was late, and my voice was at its peak, dancing among the musicians and reaching the audience’s hearts. The director suddendly taked me back from the scenario, earning some whistles from the customers, saying that someone was waiting for me and that it had to be now. Startled, I walked over to the guy, who seemed to be searching people for a music record. I was chosen. The only thing I had to do, was to record my voice and send it over to the company, and I would get a contract with them. After the man leaved, I ran over to my lover, excited about the whole thing.
I asked for a break from job, which the owner of the shop accepted faithfully, giving my back a friendly pat. I had two weeks to record my best song ever. Of course, Vani was going to help. Spending all day on his house, and most of nights in it, I tried my best and filled the mansion with songs, picking the best, repeating takes and takes of the same phrase, recording on a not too noisy room while staring deep at amber eyes, smiling softly to me, encouraging me to keep trying. But, I won’t lie, most time we slacked off, being lovely at each other.
And without noticing it, the day arrived. And I didn’t had anything ready at all. I closed the door of the improvised studio, everyone forbidden to enter or to make any sound nearly 3 meters. The time was coming close, my lung begging for rest, my eyes tired and closing. But I made it. That’s what I thought. The program mixed the multiple tracks with the music, balanced volume between them, just minutes left to reach a new day. Mail sent. 5 minutes late. Sighing, I hoped that it would be enough, passing out on the desk. As down arrived once more I went home, sleeping past the whole day.
Missing the important mail that reached my inbox.
“We can’t listen to the track, it has an error that doesn’t let us. Please send the file again as soon as possible, we have faith on your abilities as singer and we would like to have the record by the time we meet our boss. Sorry for all the trouble.”
I click the next.
“In case you didn’t notice the last mail, we ask for the track once more. Please send it before noon.”
And the next.
“Ms. Hikari, please, we have less than thirthy minutes before the meeting. Can you send the file?”
And the last…
“We are really sorry, but our director said a singer who wasn’t punctual wasn’t qualified to work with us. Again, we are really sorry, because we hoped your voice would have a good impression on everyone.”
Blink. All the mails were sent the day before. Blink. A hand rubbed unbelievably at the sight. A single tear slided, burning my cheek. If I just finished early. If I just didn’t slack off. If I just… Didn’t spent all that time with Vanitas… Slowly, a crescent rage born within my body. Teeth clenching. Eyes wide, cursing internally. I could be spreading my songs on the word by now. I could be singing on a big stage, people screaming my name. I could be living my dream… If I sent that track again. Two weeks of lost work.
That peaceful days, suddenly, broke today.
Phone ringing. I stare soulessly at the clock, a loud and persistent music forcing itself on my brain. I have to get ready, I have work. I don’t have time for answer that thing. I’ll choose a dress, and walk as calm as possible to the building, yes… Let’s do that. Without noticing it, I found myself on the middle of the street, some good meters left to arrive the shop. My eyes catch a siluette looking at me, a roses bouquet it its hands. The shadow flashes a smile on my way, noticing me. My blood starts to boil. Steps approaching.
As if possesed, my hands reject the flowers, throwing them as far as they could. Honey orbs surprised. A frown placed between my eyebrows.
It’s all your fault.
Seconds later, my hands were acting by themselves once more. Grabbing his collar strongly, enough to hear a nail breaking, just adding anger to my actions. I can’t think straight.
It’s your fault…!
Shouting, my sore throat fires waves of pain at the sudden effort. It doesn’t matter now. I feel my breath heavier, tears threatening to burst. Exploding. Rambling nonsense. I need to get this out of my chest now. Shouting…
「You…!!」Pause. Long inhale.「Who do you think you are!? Do you think you own my life, huh!? You think you understand me enough, huh!? Then guess what, I don’t take ANY of your shit!! It’s your fault I failed that fucking test! It couldn’t be easier!! If you weren’t there distracting the fuck out of me, I’m sure I could had make it!! But NO, YOU were THERE! Mind your OWN business, asshole!!」
Sitting infront of the world’s most beautiful woman (in my opinion), I had never felt so happy in my whole entire life. My days were filled with laughter, singing, flirting and teaching as I helped Hikari learn different ways to overcome my disability and she taught me different ways how to speak to her with no words needed. Every morning I’d get up and text her, telling ever that she was the most amazing girl to have existed and that I was more than lucky to have her. I also started to spend my afternoons buying her food, medicine and even some nice clothes just so she can keep her money to save up for nice things of her own. Everything was going great-.. I had spent my nights at the club supporting her and adoring her before I walked her back home to give her a farewell kiss until we met the very next day.
Recently, Hikari had been offered and opportunity for her music to be heard all across the world. A famous businessman had told her that if she could record one of her songs in the span of two weeks and send it in, they would judge her and (hopefully) give her her lucky break. Hikari, (in my opinion) was perhaps one of the best small time singers I have ever heard. Her voice can be as soft as a feather or as passionate as a river raging in the amazon. She was just that good at singing.
When she asked for a small break from her boss, I opted at the chance to take her home with me and to help her record her song. I could buy her the equipment, tools and other special things she needed in order to make this one of the best, professionally done songs. As days went by, I always woke up to the sound of Hikari’s angelic voice wafting carefully through the doors of my study. Maids, carers and even my parents stopped to hear her sing from time and time again, all of us had high hopes for her and wished nothing for the best. Sometimes I’d distract her just by rewarding her in my own little way, which was just cuddles, kisses and the odd present now and again. She deserved it after all, she was working her butt off to submit this on-time and all she needed to help her through it was support, love and tender loving care.
As the day arrive, I remember Hikari carefully waking me up and telling me to not go anywhere near the study. She was going to record her final product of the song and she didn’t need any distractions whatsoever. I merely nodded my head and drifted back to sleep. After spending two weeks with my girlfriend, I was completely and utterly exhausted. We went places, we ate lunch together, had little walks together and even just cuddled up in bed together. I couldn’t imagine that she was in any way ‘fit’ to do the recording properly, after all, she did nag me to go to bed early because she was exhausted from the beach.
I woke up somewhere at 5:40pm just as the sun was starting to set, there was no voices, no singing, or laughing going on at all. ‘Is Hikari done?’ I pondered silently as I made my way to the study. All I could see was my girlfriend, exhausted and passed out on the desk. Chuckling softly I walked over to her and checked on her, she was out cold. I wasn’t surprised at all, having practiced so much during the past few weeks-.. I’d be more than exhausted.
I was about to shut off her computer but I noticed she had some missed e-mails, I knew better than to look at them so I just proceeded to shut off her laptop. As I did so, my sleepy girlfriend slowly opened her eyes and looked at me. All I did was smile, kiss her sweetly and made sure she got home safely as we took a ride from the family’s chauffeur.
The next few days I spent alone, I had known that my girlfriend would be exhausted and perhaps just needed some time to sleep. I just sent her a few texts just to tell her to take her medicine, to eat, and have a nice hot bath and just relax for a few days before coming to work. She hadn’t replied to me and to be honest, I got quite worried but I just shook it off and thought that she had ran out of credit.
Tonight was the night,
I was going to meet my girlfriend at the usual spot, right at front of the bar with my roses in hand and my suit neatly ironed and pressed against my skin. I bought her even a few chocolates just to help her relax (she really adores her chocolate) and I also bought her favourites which were these really expensive foreign ones.
A small grin tugged on my lips as I saw my beautiful girlfriend, her hair was quite messy so I guessed she just got up a few minutes a go. There was a beautiful dress that hung from her neck and she looked amazing in it, scruffy or neat-.. she was just the most beautiful girl in my eyes.
As I rushed up to greet her, all she did was snatch the roses and violently toss them aside. All I did was stand in shock as I saw her honey coloured contacts filled with sheer rage and hatred, it was almost as if I thought she was going to murder me.
Before I knew it, her hands attacked my collar of my white button-up shirt, tearing the fabric slightly as she pulled my face close to hers. I couldn’t help but try and yank myself away from her because hey, I could tell that she wasn’t about to kiss me-.. perhaps strangle me to death..
Before I was about to shove her away in pure fear, I hear profanities, obscenities and swears burst out from her wine coloured lips. And you know what made it worse? They were all aimed at me.
Every single swear word, bad name-.. everything was aimed at me. My previous calm mood had been crushed into a much more distressed panic. I swear-.. I swear I didn’t do anything wrong! I would have never harmed my girlfriend, never ever! I’m not the kind of guy to do anything that she wouldn’t want me to! I haven’t even touched her in any kind of physically harmful way, I never hit her or do inappropriate things!
All I did was tremble in her grasp, sweat drops sliding down from my temples as I tried to speak—.. even if it was a little squeak.. I just wanted to show her that I was genuinely scared, that I didn’t know what I had done wrong and what she was doing was-..was eating..me..up…
[Alright guys, just because I can’t bring myself to put an “I moved theme” for this blog. I’ll just announce it here, I’m moving blogs due to personal stuff and blah blah blah. This time I’m going to be more cautious of who I follow and whatnot, so uh—.. here’s my new blog (\(≥w≤(\) I’m kinda sad about leaving ambereyed-raven because I don’t know really, I’m just weird like that. skdjghal anyhow, I wont be continuing any threads I’ve started on this blog and I’m sorry.
Everything’s the same except the blog URL and that’s about it, same muse, same relationships and all that type of stuff. I may answer/reply to final threads on here but that’s it! I maaaay come back to this blog if I feel better but yeah, c: There’s my other URL and it’s been fun with you guys!]
Here at Blood Willow Academy, we’re taking students both hideous and vile (monsters) and tender and pale-faced (humans). Our goal this year is to get students to mix…Hopefully, no one will get hurt.
Will you help us archive our goal? To see if the ‘real’ world can handle the ‘fantasy’ world?
“Do me a favor, and don’t.”
“I wasn’t plannin’ta anyways..”